Gifted Typist

They’re always saying humans are hardwired. Well, I don’t buy it. (Go here for column on subject) If we were hardwired, then why can’t we do a Control-alt-delete on ourselves when we get overwhelmed with TMI? And where is our reboot button? You know, when we crash? I didn’t come with one. Did you? And [...]

And until a few minutes ago, they’ve been down. For a blogger, this is like unhooking life support. Our stats are our lifeblood, and those who say they don’t look at their stats are the same people who would tell you they buy Penthouse Magazine for the thousand-word articles, not the pictures. Not sure what [...]

It is said that football ((NAmerican translation: football = soccer) is a gentlemen’s game played by louts and rugby is a lout’s game played by gentlemen. It is also said that Canada is a land of nice people. So, in light of the recent brawl that erupted amongst eight-year olds at a minor hockey game, [...]

Big retailers are making a lot of easy money from unredeemed gift cards. People lose them. People forget about them. People take them to the store only to discover that the expiry date has passed. People don’t spend them all the way down because there is nothing in the store for $12.62. And where does [...]

This morning I flipped on CBC radio and heard a grown man cry. No-one had died. The man’s village had not been devastated by a massive earthquake. He had not lost his job or discovered that his wife was cheating on him. No, this man was crying because the Canadian football team he supports did [...]

Michael Bentine is confined to bed with a severe overdraft – Spike Milligan, Irish comedian, writer, musician, actor, member of The Goons. Bentine also member of The Goons

It hits every year at about this time. I’m bracing myself. I know it’s coming. But no matter how prepared I think I am, I wince every time I see it. It’s the worst cliche in journalism: “Christmas came early this year when….” It shows up in local newspaper stories and occasionally on TV broadcasts [...]

I had to wonder what was up a couple of weeks ago when I went out to do my Halloween shopping and found the store heaving with plastic elves and fake trees. Go here for the column. What’s going on? All the Halloween stuff had been cleared away for Christmas and Joy to the World [...]

I met Pat in September when I started a weekly art class. I was the newbie and Pat extended herself to me on the first day, offering a friendly smile and welcoming questions about how long I’d been painting and how I managed to find my way into the popular class. By the second week, [...]

It seems the Schmaltzy One has her knickers in a twist, a self-interested twist. Last week, her production company canceled her mega concert in this town, saying the venue was not appropriate for her production requirements. It was appropriate for The Rolling Stones, but not for The Schmaltzy One. Today we learn from the Schmaltzy [...]

There was a time when the phrase “Have a nice day!” meant something. It meant: have a nice day. But through overuse and corporate appropriation, this phrase has been hollowed out, voided of sincerity and left on the side of the road as dry meaningless husk. “Have a nice day!” (and there is always an [...]

Where does one look to find eternal love? The English ladies’ tennis team scoreboard would be an obvious start – Humphrey Lyttelton, jazz musician, humourist, calligrapher, BBC Radio 4 personality (If Humph were a generation younger and this typist were a generation older… this typist’s  better half would have much to be worried about.)

It turns out that the Schamltzy One will not be coming this way after all. Earlier this week, this typist told you that our mucky outdoor venue would not be  appropriate for Celine Dion’s brand of casino stage entertainment. We have just had word that she has pulled out. The reason? Our outside venue is [...]

Don’t say you have a common cold.  Tell them you have something really exotic like Humanrhino Virus 16? Same thing, but you have to admit, Humanrhino Virus 16 sounds far more serious and worthy of sympathy. Don’t you think? Or choose a Victorian description for a cold: How about brain fever. Or putrid fever or [...]

Where I live, city politicians organize big rock concerts. (I know. I know.) Last year we had the Rolling Stones play in an outdoor venue. It was raining cats and dogs, but devoted fans were defiant and stood in the mucky trenches for hours, wringing every drop out of the show. It was fantastic. This [...]