Archive for December, 2007

My beloved Cheddar - the cheese, the village and the cat

Published December 28, 2007 in travels. 9 Comments

The cat you see in left margin is called Cheddar.

Cheddar is named after the Village of Cheddar.

The cheese is also named after the village of Cheddar.

I love all of these Cheddars and right now I am lucky enough to be in the village of Cheddar for the next few days.

Cheddar is located in the South West of England in the county of Somerset. I lived here from 1996 to 2002. There have been a few changes. They now have a smoking ban. They’ve got rid of the donut shop in the Cheddar Gorge. And the supermarket giant Tesco has set up shop in the centre of the village, much to the chagrin of the locals.

I haven’t yet seen GT regular commentator Rowan of Cheddar, but plans are in the making.

For the most part, nothing’s changed. It’s like I’ve never been gone.

London calling

Published December 22, 2007 in Uncategorized and travels. 7 Comments

So a typist arrives in London on Friday morning for an excellent UK Christmas.

And what does she find? This breaking news:

Airport staff and security at all major airports including Heathrow vote to strike.

Major disruptions expected on rail lines.

Motorways expected to be gridlocked with Christmas traffic.

If this continues, I will be putting out an SOS via this blog for a SWAT team rescue.

On the positive side, I also discovered that I will be stranded in London which has just been named the new world capital for economics and culture. So at least I will be having fun while caught up in the chaos.

Weekly column: Christmas songs that lie to you

Published December 21, 2007 in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Go here for column.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you found yourself dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh?

Or roasting chestnuts over an open fire?

Or dreaming of a white Christmas when you have to travel to so-and-so’s mother’s for presents in the morning and such-and-such’s father’s for dinner in the afternoon?

And the Twelve Days of Christmas: Exactly what does one do when one comes downstairs on Christmas morning to find a gift of twelve maids-a-milkin’? Actually, don’t answer that.

But the one that gets me is I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Not only is the kid sneaking around the house and spying on his poor mother who is having an affair with some dirty old man who snuck in through the chimney, but the kid in question is laughing at the idea that daddy might see them snogging away.

Note to CBC: there is a T in Putin

Published December 19, 2007 in CBC Radio and Uncategorized. 4 Comments

OK, Time Magazine has named Russian President Vladimir Putin as its person of the year.

Now, will somebody pal-lease tell the CBC radio announcers to pronounce the man’s name correctly.

It’s Putin with the T, not Poo’n like CBC announcers seem to think. A couple of months ago this typist accused the CBC of lazy elocution in the post “Disputin’ the pronunciation of Poo’n.

And I thought I detected an improvement. But there it was again today on the 4 pm radio broadcast: Poo’n.

You don’t necessary expect it from the person on the street, but the national broadcaster should be able to do better than Poo’n, shouldn’t they?

What is your sectional preference?

Published December 19, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Not long ago, this typist faced the challenge of getting a couch down a small stairwell into the basement. The only way to achieve this was get a sectional sofa.

But what kind of sectional do you choose when there are so many available. Here is the result of my research into this matter

 The Hetero-sectional – This is a straight couch with the traditional two pieces that aren’t quite the same but fit together nicely. By far the most popular sectional, although no longer the only choice available.

 The Homo-sectional – This couch has always been around but people often kept them hidden away in closets. The two pieces of the sectional tend to be identical and have a keen sense of colour and style, especially when it comes to soft furnishings.

The Bi-sectional – A multi-purpose piece of furniture, well suited to all tastes and styles. Great for rooms with doors that swing both ways. Also good for those who can’t make decisions on which sort of sectional they want.

The Trans-sectional – This couch yearns to be it’s other half. The right half feels it was meant to be the left half. It will try to move to the other side, assume a left-sectional identity and ultimately seek out a surgery solution to correct the sectional wrong.

The Metro-sectional – Basically your standard hetero-sectional couch, but designed for the thirtysomething urban market. With metro-sectionals, it’s all about style, lines and the colour black. They’re happy to stay on their side of the sectional divide, but they’re happy to take on some of the sensibilities of the other side of the sectional.

Best of GT - shovelling

Published December 18, 2007 in Canada and food. 6 Comments

Many of us on the Eastern seaboard of North America and in central provinces and states were pounded by a pre-winter snowstorm. Here are some musings on shovelling the snow.

A recent snowfall sent the typist out to shovel. And as she bullied the slushy sludge into submission, she got to thinking about shovelling and shovellers. Here are some thoughts on the different types of shoveller.

1. The civil engineer shoveller.
Approaches a snow-filled driveway with a mental blue print. Assesses depth, width and length of snow-to-be-shovelled and then calculates most efficient effort-to-snow removal ratio.

2. The why-didn’t-I-buy-that-snow-blower-when-it-was-on-sale-last-winter shoveller.
Lapses into seasonal denial about the existence of winter and naively spends money on barbeques, lawn care products and flowers, only to rue the day when the snow arrives. Full of self-loathing.

3. Protestant work ethic shoveller. Sees snow, finds shovel and gets to work. No complaints or moaning here. No enjoyment either.

4. Catholic guilt shoveller. Performs as fastidiously as Protestant brethren, but is motivated by worries about what will happen if they don’t shovel. After all, someone could slip and hurt themselves.

5. The woe-is-me shoveller. Takes the snow storm personally. Regards shovelling as yet another cross to bear. Always overestimates the amount of snow which has fallen. Sighs heavily and often.

6. The clean freak shoveller Makes sure every last flake is obliterated no matter how severe the storm. Judgmental of slobs who fail to live up to these standards.

7. Trailer Park Boy shoveller. Like Rickey, they swear while shovelling “I effin’ hate effin’ winter. I effin’ hate snow and I really effin’ hate shovelling.”

8. The Sergeant Major shoveller. Sees a snowstorm as an opportunity to teach the adolescent offspring a little something about the value of hard work. Provides rolling commentary on how much snow “we” used to get in the good old days and how kids back then weren’t afraid of work.

9. Snow rage shoveller. Has propensity to throw beer bottles at plow just before it fills in mouth of a freshly shovelled driveway.

10. Cardio shoveller. Views a snowed-in driveway as an opportunity for endorphin release. Only stops to take heart rate. Does plenty of stretching before and after shovelling.

11. Snow blower envy shoveller. Covets neighbours’ winter machines. Thinks size matters.

12. Smug snow blower owner shoveller. Occasionally gets shovel out to dust off front step and to feel like member of the snow-removing proletariat. Has no problem making friends with non-snow blowing neighbours.

Even typists can be cliches

Published December 16, 2007 in Canada. 0 Comments

A couple of weeks ago this typist lamented the lazy journalistic cliche “Christmas came early this year…. when so and so got his such and such blah blah blah.”

Well, didn’t Christmas turn around and come early for this typist.

As planned the little typists woke up early and we all rushed downstairs in the hope that Santa Claus had received the urgent note which read:

To Santa. Stop.

Going away for Christmas. Stop.

Please drop off deliverables before we go. Stop.

December 16th is best. Stop.

Thank you in advance. Stop. Out.

We had no response from the Bearded One so it was hit and miss for awhile. But he came through. The presents were all under the tree this morning and the little typists were thrilled with the goodies.

We had Christmas dinner - a traditional Christmas Tuscany Fish Stew with crusty bread and wine. This was a departure from the more traditional Christmas Black Bean Lobster.

Turkey was offered but it was voted down by the little typists.

The typist’s extended family came over and more presents were exchanged. And now we’re getting the Christmas blizzard.

Who said Christmas coming early is a chiche?

Oh right. I did.

Weekly column: The big box that stole Christmas

Published December 14, 2007 in culture. 2 Comments

See column here.

There are moments when Christmas seems more like a stint in Guantanamo Bay than the Christmas songs you hear on the radio.

Comfort and joy? Ha!

I realized this the other day while standing in “the line-up that had no end.” I did not want to be in the big box and rarely go, but it was the only place that had the coveted thing my son wants for Christmas.

Trust me, this was a painful philosophical sacrifice. I would have taken acid-laced bamboo shoots up my fingernail over this.

It was hot, crowded and chaotic in the big box. There were eight groups of customers in front of me, each with shopping carts packed to the hilt. The shoplifting beeper went off every time someone left the store. Clerks with headsets shot around the place like stray bullets but no one fixed the beeper. The line-up ground to a halt because the cash clerk was trying to get a number on a pair of kids boots.

Outside in the parking lot, traffic was gridlocked with line-ups to get into line-ups to get into line-ups to get out.

And a baby was screaming in the line next to mine.

It occurred to me that the baby was absolutely right. We should have all been screaming our heads off to protest this stupidness.

Whether you are celebrating a religious event, the winter solstice or the fun of a winter party, Christmas commercial madness is chipping away at the comfort and joy. If it keeps up, Christmas will look like it did in Potterville in It’s a Wonderful Life. In fact, if you’re in a big box, it already does look like Potterville

And that’s too bad because Christmas used to be sort of fun.

Handwritten greetings are the best gift of all

Published December 13, 2007 in beauty and culture. 5 Comments

One of my favourite seasonal activities in sending and receiving Christmas cards.

I love finding an envelope in the mailbox that is not:

a. a bill

b. a pitch from a charity I’ve never heard of

c. a tax-funded newsletter from a politician who wants to let me know all the things she/he is doing in Ottawa.

I love seeing my name appear in someone’s own handwriting. There is nothing more delicious that opening up the envelope and reading the little note inside. I also love to receive beautiful cards that I can display on my fireplace mantle piece. If the card appeals to me in a certain way it will remain there long after Christmas, sometimes for years.

Sadly, the handwritten Christmas card is one of those traditions in decline. Even handwriting is something you don’t see often these days.

But a handwritten card is the most personalized gift you can give or receive and therefore one of the best presents there is.

Note to Bob and Doug MacKenzie: Take off ‘eh!

Published December 12, 2007 in CBC Radio and Canada. 5 Comments

No. Really. Take off, boys.

I know this could get me hauled up before a committee investigating Un-Canadian Activities, but I never got the whole Bob and Doug MacKenzie thing.

They were the two dim-witted, beer-drinking, lumberjack-shirt-and-tuque-wearing fellows who made the word “hoser” a household word in Canada in the 80s. Their SCTV sketch Great White North played up hackneyed cliches of Canada and Canadians. The word “eh” figured prominently in every sentence.

They sang goofy songs about beer, produced albums of their sketches and became national celebrities, as much as that sort of thing is done is Canada.

I bring it up because they recently did a TV retrospective and I notice they have DVD re-releases of their work. And CBC is giving them away on their afternoon shows. And playing us some of their “music.”

It’s not that the MacKenzie Bros were offensive or irritating. In fact, their self-deprecation and lack of pretension had a certain charm, but the act always wore off within the first five minutes. It was like they took a cute skit on a long, long, long walk and beat it to death. It became predictable and boring, like Air Farce.

Yet we were all supposed to love it because it was all so, um, Canadian.

I’d take the wit of a Newfie Codco or the sharp observations of Trailer Park Boys or the zaniness of Kids in the Hall any day over the MacKenzie Bros. That stuff has legs.

But Bob and Doug MacKenzie? Lovable maybe, but it’s been done to death.

Please take off, eh?

Actually, there’s one other concert tonight…

Published December 10, 2007 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

And given the choice, I’d dump the school Christmas concert to see….

Led Zeppelin at London’s 02 Arena. They were playing tonight.

I hope the school Christmas concert is worth it.

The school Christmas concert

Published December 10, 2007 in culture. 4 Comments

It’s goofy, crowded, poorly lit and long.

The singing isn’t always tuneful. The dancing can be poorly choreographed and the newly -formed Grade six band often sounds like a dying cat trying to hum Christmas carols.

The seats aren’t comfortable, the view is bad and the lead-up is stressful as you try to find smart clothes and get everyone’s hair and teeth brushed on time.

It’s called a Holiday concert, rather than a Christmas concert. Holiday concert is inclusive, but it sounds bland.

But for whatever its shortcomings, the elementary school Christmas/Holiday concert is one of the few institutions untainted by over-the-top commercialism of modern Christmas. And the kids get just as excited for these concerts as we used to.

It’s one of best events of Christmas. It brings back old memories and forges new ones.

I’ll be there tonight, loving every minute. Well, almost every minute.

Favourite hygiene quote

Published December 9, 2007 in quotes. 3 Comments

My grandmother took a bath every year, whether she needed one or not.

Brendan Behan, Irish writer

Me-gifting: it’s the new re-gifting

Published December 7, 2007 in slack woman. 6 Comments

Re-gifting is so yesterday. You get a gift, re-wrap it and give it to someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know about that. Even CBC’s done panel discussion on re-gifting.

So what comes after re-gifting. Well, me-gifting, of course.

What you do is make the special person in your life think you are thinking of them when you go shopping for a Christmas gift. But what you are really doing is buying something for yourself and making your special person think you are thinking of them.

Men have been doing this sort of thing for years. Think lingerie. No self-interest in that, is there, men? But that is a crude and unsophisticated form of me-gifting because it’s so obvious.

What I’m calling for is a form of me-gifting that appears less self-interested. Go here to find out what how GT is me-gifting her special person this Christmas.

Typist shows mediocre performance in pool

Published December 5, 2007 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

This typist clocked a time of 42.3 seconds in the 50-metre freestyle this week. This was a long-course time, meaning there was no flip-turn and push-off at the 25 metre mark. It was just a straight run up an Olympic-sized pool.

Considering my arms felt as though someone had attached bricks to them, it was an OK time. It felt like hell, and I am told I am capable of better.

My personal best for short course is 38.0. (Long course is always slower.) I am also told I can do better in this.

In November, Inge de Bruijn, of Australia set the world record for women’s 50-metre freestyle, long course. Her time was 24.13. The short course record is 23.58 set several weeks ago by Marleen Veldhuis of Germany.

Guess I have some work to do.