These are very strange times indeed.

I’ve spent most of the last twenty years worrying because I had no pension or investments or economic certainty. I wasn’t defying conventional wisdom by refusing to contribute to my future. I just never had enough left over at the end of the cycle.

My partner and I invested everything we have in an innovation business that we founded in the early 90s.

We’ve spent the last twenty years living and dying by market forces. We’ve never enjoyed the fruits of a bull market because we are small and whatever cream we’ve managed to generate has always gone back into the business. (Our personal cream was air miles points which gave us some nice trips.)

The risk, looming bankruptcy, crazy business travel and the personal isolation wears you down. But the thing that has haunted me more than anything was the prospect of having nothing put away for the future. (Visions of old lady with 23 cats in one-bedroom apartment that smells of kitty litter.)

I hear people say they’ve had 2 or 5 or 10 years wiped off their investments.

I’m not sure how to compare myself to that situation. I still have no pension or investments but the business I now partially own still holds promise. That would be my pension. But there’s no guarantee and no pension plan.

The present market storms and credit crunch worry me. I may not have lost on investments but I need credit to continue. And I have family and friends who are worried for their futures right now too.

Being in business makes you hyper sensitive to risk and uncertainty. When I saw this thing starting to happen last year – it was there, on the back of the business pages, predictions of doom – I expressed concern. This was met with laughter and sneers.

I sincerely hope that those people are still laughing and sneering, and that they know something I don’t. I want to be proved wrong.

But right now, I’m still scared.

I may not have experienced pension or investment losses, but my business needs credit to survive, and clients. That is my future. And right now, it doesn’t look so good.