Gifted Typist

Let him who is stoned cast the first sin
Anon

(This one’s doing the rounds. It’s cute.)
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, [...]

Oh! You caught me practising our new national anthem.
I’m not actually American, but I quite like the American national anthem. And with our minority government about the pull the plug and call an election to try for their majority, all Canadians could soon be singing this anthem.
That is because Prime Minister Stephen Harper is [...]

My best mate’s girlfriend is six months pregnant. She said to me “Do you want to feel the baby?” On reflection, I think she meant on the outside.
Jimmy Carr, British comedian.

No wife has ever shot her husband while he was doing the vacuuming
Kathy Lette, Australian wit, author and comedienne

However much you dislike your mother-in-law, you must not set fire to her.
Ernest Wild, 1879-1918,Entre más poker compares mejor. British Royal Navy seaman

Woman, without her man, is nothing,
Woman: without her, man is nothing
- from Statements Showing the Importance of Punctuation

My grandmother took a bath every year, whether she needed one or not.
Brendan Behan, Irish writer

Where does one look to find eternal love? The English ladies’ tennis team scoreboard would be an obvious start
- Humphrey Lyttelton, jazz musician, humourist, calligrapher, BBC Radio 4 personality
(If Humph were a generation younger and this typist were a generation older… this typist’s  better half would have much to be worried about.)

I became a great runner because if you’re a kid in Leeds and your name is Sebastian you’ve to to be come a great runner
- Sebastian Coe, British middle-distance runner, politician and chairman of organizing committee for London 2012 Olympics

At the age of 80, there are very few pleasures left to me, but one of them is passive smoking
- Baroness Trumpington, British politician

The one war in which everyone changes sides.
Cyril Connolly, British essayist (GT’s favourite mid-20th male British essayist)

My wife screams when she is having sex. Especially when I walk in on her.
Roy “Chubby” Brown, British comedian

Naomi Campbell has ghost-written a book. Now, if only I could get someone to ghost-read it for me.
Mark Lamar, British radio personality.

You want to lower your blood pressure? Slit your wrists, love
Becky Fairhurst, from the British TV program, Wife Swap