Let him who is stoned cast the first sin

Anon

(This one’s doing the rounds. It’s cute.)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

I’m not actually American, but I quite like the American national anthem. And with our minority government about the pull the plug and call an election to try for their majority, all Canadians could soon be singing this anthem.

That is because Prime Minister Stephen Harper is a NeoCon cut from the same cloth and Geo. Bush, Rumsey and Cheney.

He doesn’t so much come out and admit this because he knows darned well that this would not get him the votes he needs.  But that is his profile. Make no mistake.

There are plenty of other things Stephen Harper doesn’t want us to know too. That’s why he muzzles his ministers and freezes out the press.

But he’s left a trail of crumbs.

While in opposition he was all “Go! Go! Go!” on the question of deploying Canadian troops to Iraq. He holds in contempt the system of judicial appointments in this country because our judges are too liberal for his liking.

He’s liberated the Canadian armed forces from their previous role as peace keepers, transforming them into enforcers in Afghanistan.

And he’s slicing the crap out of Canadian arts programs including book publishing, film making and funds that export Canadian artistic talent abroad. He’s coy and quiet about his plans, but if he gets his majority, this Mighty NeoCon Tiger will roar.

He will right what he thinks are the many wrongs in this country, bringing us closer to the vision of Geo, Rumsey and Cheney. (Say bye bye to the CBC).

Ironically, the NeoCon Project is in decline in other parts of the world, but here in Canada it is in its ascendancy. Trust Canada to be 15 years behind the times.

But the real question is this: will this slumberous nation wake up to the danger before it is too late? Watch out Canada, because if you vote him in, he will steal your honour and the next morning you will wake up changed forever.

Jimmy Carr, British comedian.

Kathy Lette, Australian wit, author and comedienne

Ernest Wild, 1879-1918, British Royal Navy seaman

Woman: without her, man is nothing

- from Statements Showing the Importance of Punctuation

Brendan Behan, Irish writer

- Humphrey Lyttelton, jazz musician, humourist, calligrapher, BBC Radio 4 personality

(If Humph were a generation younger and this typist were a generation older… this typist’s  better half would have much to be worried about.)

- Sebastian Coe, British middle-distance runner, politician and chairman of organizing committee for London 2012 Olympics