There is a big smoking hole left in the world of comedy with the departure of Mr. Seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-TV. And just looking at some of George Carlin’s zingers makes you realize that it’ll be a long time before that hole is filled.
He was one sharp observer and bad-ass comedian.
Here are 50 classics from the man. I hope you split a side, as I did.
My epitaph should say: “He was here a minute ago. Where did he go to? He
was just here.”
Always do whatever’s next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be
seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period
of time.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right.
As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been
established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people
who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something
called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s
disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t
tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their
final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help
section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize
I’m listening to it.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both
of them together is certain death.
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell
will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms
shorter.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to
say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has
left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just
enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about
it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate
to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of
things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work
and don’t have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are
ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I
accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent
past.
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always
wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he
had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that
much more urgent.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in
America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy
bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer
Texans.
